Suicide loss survivor story. This is part two. Here’s part one, if you haven’t read it. Okay, we’re back to month 3 after my wife died by suicide. In part 1 I had to clear up my decision for starting a new relationship so early. But that does not mean I wasn’t still hurting and suffering from a tragic loss. But that’s what is so great about my girlfriend and that she understood that I still had healing to do. Not to mention, she also was healing from her past.
But coming up was the holidays. And as mentioned before, Halloween was Nicole and I’s favorite holiday, and I couldn’t just not decorate. Part of that was because I love Halloween and the other part of that is because my neighbors loved it so much and looked forward to what we would do. I also knew it would be a difficult evening having to talk to neighbors. But I decorated. I came up with a plan and put out a bunch of decorations. It was much more difficult doing it solo so I was careful not to put out too much.
Halloween was successful. My girlfriend came and hung out and helped. We passed out candy and enjoyed the evening. One thing I wasn’t anticipating was the overwhelming loneliness I felt after my girlfriend left and I was in an empty house, after Halloween was over. Even thinking about it now, my heart starts to pound and I’m breathing in my chest. It wasn’t right that I finished up the night alone on my favorite holiday. That might be something I have to talk about in therapy to be honest with you, or I’ll probably deed dive these thoughts on another day.
The third month was hard because I was still trying to work at the gym. I loved helping people with their health and fitness. I loved doing personal training. But it felt very different at the gym now. I was having panic attacks on the way to work. And my anxiety forced me to leave and pretty much only be present for training people and that was it. I couldn’t bear staying any longer. I had to constantly remind myself that my wife killed herself and she wasn’t going to be home. It was the strangest feeling in the world. I did my best though, knowing I couldn’t just not work anymore.
Loneliness was hard. I tried to do things that I enjoyed at the house, like puzzles and spending time in my meditation room. Spending time with my Juna, but everything was hard. I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness and what my brain was doing when I sat by myself. I tried to stay busy if my body allowed, but the quiet throughout the house was deafening at times. I would turn on music, or just put the tv on to fill the silence.
To be completely honest with you, I was still in such a fog and everything was a blur. I don’t remember a lot. I saw my girlfriend every chance I got, but that was maybe a night or two a week, from what I remember. I still saw my friends as often as I could. But still had problems my anxiety as far as leaving the house. Everything was lonely. That’s what I remember and I think it was expected going from a house of 4 to a house of one.
I don’t have much advice for the timeframe. I just kept one foot in front of the other. I lived in a fog most days. I had good days and I had bad days. But one thing that I had to do every single day was remind myself that my best friend was gone. I still woke up having to remind myself. But I got out of bed, mostly for Juna, and tried to get through my days. I just had to keep going…
I can’t say it enough. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call #988.
If you’re looking for support groups, trusted experts, and resources, Circles is a wonderful resources. I did a grief support group for those that lost a spouse through this program. I found it to be incredibly helpful and the facilitator was fantastic. Check them out at https://circlesup.com/
