Surviving suicide loss, month 3. As the holiday season approached, it was hard celebrating without Nicole. We were really big on Halloween. When I say the word big, I mean Halloween was when we went ALL out on decorating. We were known around the neighborhood for having quite the display.
I’m going to step back for a moment because something happened right before Halloween came and it is worth talking about.
In the world of grieving a spouse or significant other, one of the hardest things to really do is find a romantic connection with another person, whether you’re searching for it or not. I happened upon someone earlier than anticipated in my healing journey. Society would absolutely call it too soon. And as much as I love my friends that support me, I know some of them were probably thinking the same thing, which is completely understandable. I played devil’s advocate in my brain CONSTANTLY wondering if this was indeed too early for me. I fought with myself initially because I thought I would be judged by friends and family. Then I realized, they have no clue what I’m going through and that I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks.
But I fought with myself mostly because I was grieving, and I didn’t want to put anyone else through that. It’s a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, episodes of depression, meltdowns, and everything in between. I did not want to expose another person to all of that turmoil that I was going through. I knew it would be incredibly difficult for someone to feel like they were still competing with Nicole. And honestly, again, that’s something I can’t be upset about. It is only natural to feel that way in the unique situation that had almost broken me completely.
But this person gave me light. Made me feel like I wasn’t broken and that we were both healing and that we could do it together. In my opinion, that is LOVE. This person could SEE me and knew I was hurting and just wanted to “hold my hand” while continuing through my healing journey. There is so much power in that. I must reiterate that I was not searching for this. I was looking for friends and people to connect with, but never did I even consider finding love. But it happened.
One of the things that I realized after developing feelings is how foolish it would be to turn away such an incredible human being. Because society told me I should? Because I was afraid of how my friends and family would feel? Because I may get judged? Or maybe because people would think that Nicole didn’t mean anything to me. If you know me, and you think I didn’t love Nicole: I have a few choice words for you…
Life is scary. But it doesn’t always have to be. Learn more about yourself and reflect on who the person is that you want to be. A major part of my healing journey is the self-awareness to know what my mind and body is doing and feeling, and I LISTEN to it. To pass up the greatest love I could ever have would’ve been more damaging to myself and my wellbeing, so I chose to move forward with love. And now I’m with the love of my life. Yes, I still grieve. I’m still on this roller coaster of emotion, but I have an incredibly supportive person who accepts me and is so perfect for me. We are happy and one of the most important things you can find in a relationship (other than communication) is that both of you are willing to GROW; both separately and together.
